Dating or marrying a divorced man with kids
85Is it possible to feel included as a girlfriend or second wife to a divorced man with kids?
As a little girl... and even as a teenager... I dreamed that I would meet the man of my dreams. At some point in my mid-20s, I'd marry him, buy a cute little home, and have a couple of his kids. We would be great parents together and raise happy, successful children. They would look like a perfect combination of my love and me, and every time we looked into those children's eyes, we would be reminded that our love created them.
INSTEAD...
I didn't find my dream man in my 20s. I found a lot of duds. I started getting a little older... I hit 30. Suddenly, finding a single, never married, childless man was less likely than buying the winning Powerball ticket. So, I conceded to date divorced men, but still childless. Still... no dream man. Just bitter I-don't-want-to-marry-again types. *sigh*.
At the beginning of this last year, I reconnected with an old classmate from high school through a social networking website. After a few messages sent, we met for dinner one night. A month of "just friends" went by before I learned he had spent months "watching" me on this social site before having the nerve to ask me to this dinner. He admitted to a little crush on me 17 years ago in high school. I was flattered and became smitten. He treated me like I deserved to be treated. He was sweet. We became very close very quickly. The catch: He was married to his ex-wife (and high school/college on-and-off flame) for nearly 11 years. And he has two young sons. But, this is the man I've waited for all my life. He truly loves me. He tells me how much he loves me. He tells me I'm beautiful. He makes me FEEL beautiful. The current "man of my dreams" has all the baggage I never wanted. Life is so ironic.
Three months ago, my love moved into my house with me. My guest room became his sons' bedroom, and suddenly I had an instant family that not only included my love and his children, but his ex-wife and her family as well. While it made me incredibly happy to come home to my love every night, there were adjustments to be made... not only in my house, but in my head and in my heart.
I am hoping that those who read my Hub and can relate to my woes will leave advice for me and other readers in similiar situations.
Pack Order All my life I'd wanted a man with whom I came in first. Now, I'd have to "settle" for 4th. The ex-wife already snatched up the first feeling of forever that he'd have, and the children actually are forever. 4th is not a position I can ever move up from. This makes for awkward situations. The ex-wife holds the power in my relationship. And she knows it. How does one handle the jealousy of knowing that if this man proposes, he will have already done this with someone else? When he says "I do" or sees the birth of a new child (fingers crossed), will it even mean as much having already gone through it? Will all of my "firsts" be ruined because none of them are his "firsts"?
Child(ren) of my own?? My love has two children already. He had a vasectomy in his former marriage. That is all the children they wanted together. But, now that their marriage has dissolved... now that he has a new life partner... what is to become of the wants and needs of his new love? Will I be able to convince him that he wants to take the necessary steps to make my dream of having a child of my own come true? Will he look forward to fathering that beautiful child I always wanted? Or will he adamantly declare that he wishes to have no more children? Will I be able to handle that? Or will I consider that so much of a deal breaker that I will have to leave the man I have loved more than any others?
I asked a very good, and slightly older, guy friend of mine for some advice on this topic. He suggested that going into the holidays with a man I'm deeply in love with is not the greatest time to bring up this topic. My friend suggested I wait until my love and I were at our one-year mark to discuss such a serious matter. He said my love (or most men) would not consider necessary medical steps to reverse or go around a vasectomy for a woman they hadn't spent at least a year with and decided to spend the rest of their life with. But, that a man who was deeply in love and sure of the relationship would give it serious consideration. What do you think?
Step-parenting His Children The advice I've been given in this area has been so restricting. I'm supposed to become a part of the family of these children without being a "parent". I'm supposed to be with their father, but not too affectionate in front of them. I'm supposed to have them live part time in my home, but am expected to only let their father discipline. I am supposed to become a major part of their lives, but also to step back and out of the way. I am supposed to help guide them, but only if I follow the parenting plan established by their mother, who is the primary custody parent. Every part of this relationship with these children contradicts itself. It shouldn't even be called "step-parent". It should be called "that other person". Because that's how it makes you feel. This certainly wasn't the life of which I dreamed.
I suggested once that my love and I meet quarterly with his ex-wife and her new love to discuss the children and what is new in their lives. I thought we could all come to agreement on how to discipline, what to work on, etc. so that we might keep the transition between households as smooth as possible for the kids of a broken home. He says that while it's a good idea in theory, that his ex-wife would probably not be keen on the idea. Really? This role is incredibly hard.
Are you a parent whose children has another step-parent? Or are you a step-parent yourself? Maybe you are the parent introducing a step-parent to your children. What advice do you have for those in my situation?
"Our" Money In my dream life, my love and I would work successful jobs. His would be full time, mine part time, and we would have a savings account and afford regular vacations. In my real life, my love has financial obligations to the former marriage dissolution debt and to child support. Half of his income goes to these obligations. Right now, I'm working part time and am able to contribute more than half of the financial obligations of OUR home, his and mine. Should I decide to marry this man, I will essentially be taking on the financial obligations of his ex-wife. She will never go away! Because I love this man and want to spend my life with him, I will happily help him pay off his financial obligations knowing that someday we may be able to put aside money for our own life's adventures. (I'm still crossing my fingers that our main adventure is a baby!) But, still... until then... "our" money doesn't mean his and mine. It means his, mine, and hers, too.
Are you in a "modern" family? How have you handled having ex-marriage partners, financial obligations, and starting new lives with new partners?
Other Feelings I imagined my first meeting with the ex-wife as one thing. It sure turned out to be another. I imagined in my head a slightly overweight mom-type in frumpy clothes and unmanaged hair. I mean... the boys are very active, and I can't imagine her having that much time for herself. And based on the description of her personality by my love, I expected a cold glance and attitude. Instead, a tall, statuesque, trendy, pretty lady stepped out of a Jaguar (still wondering how she affords that one). *sigh* Now I felt very fat and wondered what my love saw in me. Her handshake WAS somewhat fish-like, which says alot to me. But, she was very sweet in tone. She told me the boys talk about me often, that it was a pleasure to finally meet me, and smiled the whole time. She sure knew how to make me feel even more secondary than I had before. She remained that way the first couple meetings, but now barely looks my direction, even if I try to send a smile and a wave her way. It's so unpredictable. I don't want to be her best friend or anything, but I still hope that someday perhaps we can be civil and polite enough to discuss the children and any issues that may arise. I can't imagine her take on me. I'm sure she thinks her ex-husband has downgraded. And perhaps if you compare her figure to mine, he has. But, I gather he has seriously upgraded in personality and integrity. Neither she nor I chose to have the other come into each of our lives. Learning how to deal with each other over jealousies of the same man and children is going to be one of the hardest things either of us has ever done, I'm sure. I do try to take into consideration what she must be feeling, but every time she is less than pleasant to deal with, my caring about her feelings goes right out the window.
How have you dealt with these types of issues?
I ran across this Hub from another writer. The post brought tears to my eyes when I read it because of how much I related to her. If I have left out any feeling I've had in this post, she has most likely covered it in this one: http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Husbands-Second-Wife
Other related Hub links:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Second-marriages-how-well-do-they-work
Overall, I love this man. I didn't want to love a man with this much baggage. It just happened one day. Un-loving someone so special is harder than all the problems I described in this Hub put together. So, I'd love to conquer my qualms instead.
I'd LOVE to get some feedback from readers. Share for me. Share for each other.
Thank you!
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I married the man of my dreams about 10 months ago. He was married before and has beautiful son that I love dearly. I know we are forever and I know he loves me unconditionally, and so does his son. But those feelings of not being his first linger and I grieve over everyone. I let myself grieve of not being his first partner, his first wife, his first love, giving birth to his first child. I let myself cry and then it is done and I move on. Now, I didn't live with him until I was married and that made all the difference. When we got married it was gradual move into his and his son's life and I knew, without a doubt, that this was for life. There are lots of emotions I go through-a lot of forgiveness and grace, grieving along with all the normal feelings a newly married person goes through, but there is a lot of joy and fun. He is truly the man of my dreams. We love each other and work hard to build a strong marriage. Here's to the first 50 years of our life together. I hope you can find that peace within you. It is hard some times, but it is worth it.
I am going through he same exact thing.
I met the man of my dreams, and he loves me unconditionally. I go through everything you go through. He was previously married for 9 yrs and has two sons. He got a vasectomy in has last relationship as well. I am younger than you though, I am approaching 22 years old and he is 30. He ex wife is remarried, and him and I are engaged.
At first when him and I met, I didnt think of the future too much because I live in the moment. As time went by- and he had to make phone calls, and text and email withher, I felt the feelings of jealousness, and I got irritable.. I just wanted to relationship to be about him and I. But I too had to accept that I come 4th. it really sucks knowing I am not hi first wife, may not have his children, he has done all of his firsts, and I feel like it kind of ruins mine and sucks the happines and excitement from it all. I feel like "the other woman" and Im not only going to marry him but his ex wife too. I am very understand, but this is the hardest role I will ever have to play.He is not sure if wants children, and I know I want at least ONE child. I lost a child two years ago. but everything happens for a reason. I wasnt ment to have a child two years ago because I was with the wrong person, and now that I am with the right person it isnt garunteed. Its so hard for me because I get frustrated.. I love ths man so much he is the love of my life, he is everything I have ever wanted. I coulnt imagine my life without him. and now I have to make some sacrifices. Big ones. And it just doesnt seem fair. I never want to leave this man, I know I couldnt be with anyone else. So what do I do? Live upset because I may not have children and I have to see his ex wife pop up all the time, or what? Im stuck I think is what I am trying to say... It is just so tough. But i feellike if you love a man, if you love this man, because know I do, I will stick it out..until the end, and pray it is all worth it.. Just pray. right? I dont know, it is just hard and I feel your pain 100%. I wish you the best of luck that everything will work out for you, and for I.
Sincerely,
a sympathic friend
Nikki
Update: Since this post, I have sorted through feelings, and our relationship has grown strong enough to talk openly about some of these issues. He was the one to say he wanted children with me. He is willing to undergo the surgery to undo what has been done. I think it's in part because he knows I want a baby more than anything, but also because he hates having to be a part-time parent and desperately wants the opportunity to be a full-time parent. His ex-wife remarried recently (to a very decent man, I may add) and I also think my love is jealous that that new man gets all the good firsts with his children. That man gets to help coach the little league, teach the boys how to ride bikes, etc. (The kids' mom lives 2 hours away) So, he wants a 2nd chance. Yay!
We have become engaged and will be married this fall. :) Every encounter with the ex and her family gets a little easier, and over time we will all learn how to co-exist.
My love, now knowing my feelings on all of this, tells me
regularly that I do actually have firsts with him. First wedding (they eloped at a courthouse), first TRUE feeling of happiness and hope, first lovable in-laws, and more. He is so wonderful about making me realize I didn't, in fact, miss out on all the good stuff. The good stuff is yet to come!
Nikki, I do hope your journey with your man takes all the right turns that mine is taking. It sounds like you found yourself a great man, too, so I hope he grants all your desires the way mine is for me!
Best wishes to you!
Forget about him. Life is hard enough without adding problems that aren't yours.
I am a mom of a little boy and dating a guy that already has three kids of his own and i am wanting to be the best mom possible can i get any advice i have a three year old boy and hhe has a , 7 year old, 5 yeard old and 4year old and wnating more kids and never has been married and neither have i . so i wnat advice on how to be the best stop mom possible .
I feel your pain so very much i go through the same emotions up and downs. i m married to a divorced man with 3 kids and this gets so much difficult for me to make it to the day with out being grumpy. I have never been married in my mid 30s. Sometimes i feel i have no place in his life. He has doen all he need to do in life with the first wife and I blame myself how on earth i got myself into this mess. Oh yes i love him but sometimes it is hard to see through things. soon it will be our 2nd year marrieg anniversary but once in a while i sit into this negetive thoughts of what i am i doing with a person who has lived his life and doesn't want to have kids with me. He thinks he is too old to have another kid. sometimes i feel that if we have a kid together i will feel better but i don't really know for sure. i just pray everyday it will get better. good luck to all of you who go through the same thing may be it is worth to stick to it.
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I am getting married to a man who has been married three times already he has a child from his second marriage and that wife is extremly selfish and his young child is adorable and nice and likes me but I am not her mother or parent. I sometimes feel that I am just not part of his life because he is always in battle with his second wife to see his daughter whom he loves. I am ashamed that I feel jealous of a child and that I didn't or he didn't wait to have his child with me and not someone who didn't deserve one in my opinion. He is a good man, hard working he always pays his child support even though his ex makes three times as much as he does. It sickens me when she calls asking for money for his daughter and spares no feelings degrading him and putting him down in front of their young 7 yr old daughter. But when I go to calmly and rationally try to level with both of them to stop this behavior in front of their child she tells me where to go and how to get there and that she will file a restraining order against me if I speak to her again. I am NOT her daughters mother SHE is and I should not be interfering in their rearing up THEIR daughter. I feel extreemly torn because I feel for a mother who is divorced and has to deal with her ex's other women around their child but I am a good person and try to teach the little girl right wrong and how to ride a bike as well as sketching and other languages and try to help her with her school work. I don't know if I should just step back and let my fiance deal with his child and just hope we have our own kid and I will parent our child together and just respect my fiance's ex position and let those two parent their daughter while I step back. I am very conflicted and just don't know what to do. His ex invited us to his daughters birthday party with all her relatives and her friends and says I am welcomed after she already texted me to never talk or text her again or she will call the police on me and get a restraining order. Why would I go to any place she is at after a scathing text like that? I just don't understand adn or know what to do I love this man but all this drama with his ex and her mind games and constantly using his daughter as a tool to get back at him is really hitting me hard and I don't know if I should just give up or keep fighting for this man and let him see that not everyone is like his ex and will just use him and throw him away once they get what they want like all his other wives did. All his other wives married him for what he had and or to get something from hiim when they got it they left and then stuck it to him in the divorce. So I sometimes don't want to let him know my feelings of feeling so overwhelmed that I want to run for the hills but some days that is how I feel. If anyone could just respond to my post with some insight or maybe they are in a similar situation that would be great the more I hear from people in similar situations like mine that would be great.
I am an Indian, We usually marry only once in life. I have a kid who is running 14years old. Suddenly I found one day that my wife had a secret love affair with another man and I came to know that she wants marry him in near future.
It was a greatest shock to me, in fact I fainted when I saw her secret love letters with him in her computer system. We married long back 19 years before, today she is feeling that she has found a man whom she wished all the time in her life. He is six feet long I am 5.6 inches. I am also a PhD., in film screenplay writing, I saw his photos he is looking very handsome than me. He is educated from US and he has lot of money approximately 150,000,000 of INR., property. We both are story writers, she decided to get name separately, and since she wants to get her own name separately, in this thinking she started seeing me like an enemy. But to outside she never exhibited and I could not trace out. I am yet to get a chance of directing a film. When she got some films in fact I really worked hard for her scripts for her success for her growth, for her fame. But she recollected all the negative things and upsets that were happened in our life and she finally told me that those were the reasons why she felt detached from me, why she moved away from me. Now she wants her son to be with her future life. But from many years I was talking to my son so philosophically spiritually he became very close to me. I always told him that his mother is a great woman of hard working, with love and sacrifice, for the sake of family, which I really believed. She even used all the family money for her and her would be growth, for his projects. Suddenly my adolescent boy, when he saw his mother in a different attitude of marrying someone he could not digest. Neither he could express his upset with her and is feeling detached with his mother. She got upset. In this process of attracting the other man and to gain sympathy, my wife told so many lies on me to him and to his family, and to her mother and sisters and brothers. Just to have sympathy from her family and his family.
Now I lost all my name in her family, in her relatives and in her friends too. She was expecting that i wont get any upset if she says that she is leaving me. - alas..!
Dear friends, I believe love means not getting but giving. Love means not hugging and not holding always tight. If love means getting and taking something from the other person, then naturally that love always searches for newer options, options after options. And there cannot be any satisfaction and fulfillment. I believe to my wife - I am not only a man but also a father, friend, guide and master too. I saw this feeling in India in many homes, yes dear friends. I believe sex has a very little role in human relation ship, human beings are expecting some feeling some thing that is more sensitive, something that happens only between a heart to heart, only between human beings. When that something misses we loose everything. We miss everything in our life. Especially the silent assurance, and belief that “You may come anytime I am for you dear. I will wait for you because I am yours till the end of my life, however I fight i fight for you because I love you I fight for your betterment. I fight for your growth because you are mine. I am yours.” When we miss this sensitive feeling we miss every thing. We keep egos, then only egos will speak, then nothing else will be found.
My wife saw my pain and agony but still she is touch with him. She could not leave him, because she walked too much in to his life. Now she is not even feeling like touching me. But she wants her child. She is telling now I may not be a good wife but I am good mother. My son two years asked me one day why his friends parents always beats them. He also told that she hates his father too. He understood why his mother is asking him to come with her.
He knows the truth that a mother who hates her husband never loves his kid even, because she never believes nor trusts him. Naturally such an un trust will lead to further problems. He also told me that his mother has started seeing him like an enemy like representative like a fathers spy on her. He got upset and he is avoiding.
Since I have no options, now i decided to go away from her life. I want to take my son and my sister’s family to a new place probably to a small village, where I decided to lead my life peacefully in a very calm atmosphere, a very simple life. Now I even lost my interest and hopes on film writing area. She contacted all my friends and propagated against me, so that no one will talk bad about her when she marrys the other man.
I know now I lost all my friends, relatives. I lost all my ground. I in fact lost everyone except my son on my side. My son told me that he will be with me for forever till the end of my life.
Now I making my arrangements to leave her for forever. She wants her kid to be with her, where ever she goes. Since she decided to divorce me, she wants him. I know she has deep love on him. But if he is going to be with her, then no one in her family will say that she has taken a wrong decision. - So she wants him to be with her at any cost. Dear let us not live like takers let us try to become givers. I am not feeling bad may be God wants to do something good, something which I cannot understand now. Now I am thinking to go away from her with my son to very far off place, without these addresses and mobiles.
I am also sure that lies can never help. I dont know how she realizes, that lies will never help her. She is believing that through the transplantation of stones of lies, she will get the living greenish leaves, beautiful living flowers and fruits of love and peace.
You and I are living the same life, I have had all th same thoughts, feelings, questions and experiences you have described and I have found that there are very few that really understand how it feels to be living this life. It is hard. Really hard. I feel that we give up so much for these men that we love and in my case sometimes I feel that he just cannot understand how 'on the outside' I am within my own marriage (yes, I actually took the leap and married the man of my dreams!). Having said all that I have no regrets but I definitely chose the harder road. I think it makes you really live, feel and become a stronger person.
I'm with the man of my dreams.. we've been dating since October last year and started to live together in November. He was married for 5 years and divorced for 2 before we met. It has been hard from the beginning not knowing the whole truth about everything ending but I made myself forget about the past and think of the present. Night one of meeting the girls I was asked "will you be our stepmom" I couldn't help but laugh and almost choke on my dinner that night. I would honored to be their stepmother .. I love them and their father with all my heart. I met the mother a few days ago and I was nervous and scared. I wasn't going to judge her until I met her, and I can honestly say I know why she is an ex. The hardesst part of being with my boyfriend is dealing with the girls' mom. When they come over the oldest girl confides in me about what's bothering her and it's always about mom talking bad about dad and dad talking bad about her. I wish I could sit them both down and say look you are effecting your daughters with your immaturity and bs, think about them before bickering about eachother.
It's not always bad being in a relationship with a divorced man with children my fiancé is 32 and I'm only 21 we have been together nearly 2 years and are very happy I am currently pregnant with his baby and he is more excited than me! He cried when he found out i was and was the one who constantly asked me to have a baby with him. He has 2 children already one 10 the other 4 he was married for 17 years, nearly as old as me! Sometimes I do find it difficult and sometimes think he's done all this before does he compare us, with my pregnancy hormones I open my mouth too quickly and let him know my concerns he tells me that its different because it's with me although sometimes I find that hard to believe. He used to put her first but now I am
Number 1 and he proves that all the time she has no hold over him and he has already told me he would do anything to keep me he would choose me over anyone in this world, not that I would make him choose. He adores the ground i walk on he really does but sometimes I feel
This resentment towards him for making me fall in love with him because it's not nice sometimes being the second to do everything with your partner. I don't want to marry him because of it because I don't want it compared to his other wedding day I have told him this and he cried and was really hurt but i just can't seem to imagine our wedding day without theseus popping in my head, so frustrating!
I just have to say this (La st) post and most of the ones that followed really hit my own internal feelings on the head. And frankly gave me the hope and pep talk I needed. I am 31 yr woman in the south, dating a wonderful mid 30's man with a 22 month old. The ex and I get along very well. She is a good person and makes me feel included.It is one of the best situations for this dating scenarios you could ask for. But every once in a while I question my place in the "pack order".However evertime I voice my concern or option he does correct the sitation. I love him very much and I suppose my feelings scare me a bit. I too get sad about the firsts etc. I know he loves me unconditionally. I love him and his son as if they were family already. I pray our relationship turns out as your has La st!! thanks again for the post, you will never know how much this has helped me
If you are still attractive, semi intelligent, healthy and fit, listen to me ladies. Pack your bags and run, it won't get easier but harder, you don't have to believe me now, but I have never heard any happy ending when a childless woman married someone with kids. If you decide to go ahead, don't come back and tell me and complain.
You deserve better. Trust me
i married a man with 3 kids and a nasty ex-wife who constantly poisons the kids against me. He didnt want kids with me because he felt it would hurt the other kids knowing that daddy left them to start a new family. It now transpires that he only married me to get a mortgage for a house (which is under my name), and that the home and business he builds is all for his kids. The future is about the kids and not the marriage. So after 5 horrible years with hell from his kids, i have decided to leave him for good. my advice is never marry a man with kids.
Same situation..you hit the being a parent but not topic right on the head..nice to see commexnts from people in the same situation for a change and not from the mothers point of view who just tell u butt. Out and stand on the sideline where's u belong.
Deborah 16 months ago
I am single in mid 30's and childless, and a divorce dad of 3 show extreme interest in me. Like you, I also wanted a unmarried, childless husband. But I still want children.
Before I will give myself to this divorce dad, I will ask the question - do you want more kids? If the answer is No, I will not continue to date him and I will not sleep with a man, unless I becomes his wife.
Should be simple really in my option. If he can give you your (any women's heart desire) of asking for your hand in marriage and that more children will NOT be a problem - he is a very good man!